Some things I never thought I do...

Ok let me preface this post by saying it's about a topic that most of us don't like to talk about... death and funerals. But not in a creepy way (cause that creeps me out), but more of a testimony of how I've overcome my irrational, albeit merited fear of them. Carry on...

Over the past year 5 years I've gone to about 10 funerals and I survived most of them without major incident. Now I know you may be saying to yourself  "So, what's the big deal?", but for someone who used to literally be sick and frozen with fear at the very thought of caskets and such, this is a personal triumph.
You see when I was a child I had a few traumatic, and some comedic experiences at wakes and funerals. I personally believe I suffered from a splash of PTSD, but that is a self-diagnosis. But once you understand why, I think you'll agree.
The very first wake I ever went to was in the small country church in the town where my grandparents lived. (One stop light, one power pole, Mayberry kinda town.) A very popular lady in the community had passed and she was also my mother's godmother. I was 7 at the time and no one explained to me what exactly we were going to. All I knew of wakes was from TV. So I'm thinking a coffin, a flower or two, and a nice picture on an easel. Imagine my shock to walk into this church and see a dead person at the front!!! (Even at that age I'm sure I cussed in my mind long before I understood that was the appropriate response.) I never walked up to the casket out of pure fear and confusion, but there were people everywhere and somehow I ended up in the lounge of the ladies room. It seemed like a safe place to be. The children's choir was singing, and I had actually calmed down. Until it happened... THE CHURCH WENT DARK!!! PITCH BLACK!!! Inside and outside there was not a flicker of light anywhere to be found. Street light, porch lights, cigarette lighters nothing. Now for a 7yr old who slept with a night light as it was, this was the worse thing that could've happened. I froze. To this day I can't tell you what happened for the next few minutes or how I got out of that church. The next thing I remember was somehow ending up in the car with my daddy and my sister (who was a wee tot) listening to the radio. I don't remember crying, screaming or anything... just traumatized. From that point on I was done with dead folks... and it seemed to only get crazier as the years went by.
I went to what we thought was a wake and it ended up being a night time funeral, then when we viewed the body he looked NOTHING like the person we were told it was supposed to be. Seriously, how does a man who was lighter than me, somehow end up being dark chocolate in his casket??? Still not convinced that was him.
Went to a service once where the casket wasn't closed all the way and my mom thought me and my sister were just seeing things out of our fear... yeah not so much. It wasn't closed and when we saw the person in the casket with a winter coat on we understood why!!!
I've pumped myself up to go support a bereaved family, thought I was doing ok, til I got ready to sign the guest registry only to grab the pen and began shaking so hard it looks as though a 3yr old had scribbled in the book. FAIL!!!
And of course because I am the clown that I am I have sat in funerals and in an effort to take my mind off where I was I have gotten so tickled with nervous laughter I've had tears running down my face and had to play it off as if I were overcome with grief.
Now that I'm older, I realize I've matured in the natural and in the spiritual when it comes to facing death and funerals, but I understand better celebrating the life through the tears of missing the person is all part of this thing we call life.
But don't get me wrong, give me a wedding or a baby dedication over a funeral any day (but if you're into the macabre, I'm not judging. I am yet praying for you, but not judging), however since I'm no longer frozen in fear at funerals it could easily manifest itself in some other form of foolishness. I mean the last one I went to I actually walked up to the casket voluntarily alone and said "Awww she looks nice" which is something I never thought I would do... but on the other hand trying to fall in the casket thinking you're going to take them out and walk around like "Weekend at Bernie's" is NOT a good idea... don't ask me how I know. Just don't ask... :-/

Like vs. Love: A lesson in semantics

¹like verb \ˈlīk\

2a : to feel attraction toward or take pleasure in : enjoy <likes baseball>

¹love noun \ˈləv\

3: to like or desire actively : take pleasure in <loved to play the violin>

(the above definitions are from merriam-webster.com)

I had the joy of spending this past weekend celebrating my grandmother's 83rd birthday. She's the matriarch of our family and her wisdom comes from many years of experience. I always learn a little something that gives me a different outlook on life when I spend time with her and my family. Even in the last year losing a sister and a daughter, having a stroke...she still chuckles for no reason when she answers the phone. Grandma is such a joy and we are so blessed to still have her with us.

But one thing that has always puzzled me is how she uses the word "love" where most people would use "like". I don't think I've ever heard grandma say she "likes" anything, but she "loves" everything.

If she wants something to drink she would "love" to have a pitcher of sweet tea over crushed iced.

She "loves" to watch her stories, but she does not "love" cop shows.

If she's cooking dessert she's going to ask what kind of cake do you "love", not which one you like. And she knows exactly what each of her grandkids "loves".

I noticed this more when I spent the month at her house after her stroke. And no matter how many times I tried to subtly correct her by answering "Yes, ma'am I eat pork chops, but I don't "love" them." or I would say I like cabbage, but after my 3rd helping, she'd look at me across the table and say "You LOVE cabbage, don't you?" (and start chuckling), and the same goes for molasses pudding!!! (YAASSSS!) Whatever she loves she's very detailed in it's preparation, whether it's for her or for someone else. She loves to make it because she knows we love it.

This semantic observation has made me change how I view even the smallest things in life. When grandma makes that statement about whatever it is she loves there's so much passion behind it. She's not being overly dramatic, but she doesn't waste her time on something that she doesn't love. It's either one or the other.

In the midst of my transition that's my new approach. I have to love the next thing I do. I'm not going to waste my time being indifferent about something. I find myself reading job postings thinking "I don't think I love that". Even with people I have acquaintances but since I've moved back home and reconnected with friends from years ago, but think about being away from my friends in Atlanta I realized "I really love them". Or even trying something new like Happy Hour at Sonic...I LOVE discount slushies!!!

The point is Grandma may not be a great scholar (she never graduated from high school), but she has taught me one of the greatest lessons in life. How to genuinely love...

I ain't never scurred!!! SIKE... Hello fear?

Yeah, I know it's been a while since I posted but between my Whitney grief, Davy Jones' memorials, every day battles with my sanity, technical difficulties and such other matters just charge it to my head. But *Varnell Hill voice* did ya miss me?
I can say my mind has been racing with various sundry topics and what has really been at the forefront is fear. The fear of being in limbo, perhaps having to start over in NC, or even going back to Atlanta and realizing I would still kinda be starting over. Then my thoughts were flooded with all sorts of things that I am afraid of concerning where I am or am not in my life.
Like  following my dreams. I'm not fresh out of college anymore and while I feel better now than I did when I left college, I'm not old, but at 35,  I'm no spring chicken either. Can someone else put up with the fact that when I'm really involved in my work at my desk I sing like I'm in the studio? Do you know how long it took my coworkers when we moved to cubicles that I really don't have much to say before 11am, but at 2pm I'm a ball of energy?
I even thought about entering a new relationship. At my age I'm set in my ways and anyone I might want to marry will be too. Do they take their shoes off at the door while I wear mine all around the house? Are they a morning person and I'm a night owl? And because my thoughts are pretty random, allow me to go a step further. What about passing gas? I was in an off/on relationship for many years and we had become comfortable enough to do that in front of one another. It took a long time though. (No lie this was something that really concerned me...)  Even having to explain the crazy relationship between me and my non-gay best guy friend which they will never understand anyway so why bother!!!
But what if I go back to Atlanta and my friends and boos have forgotten about me! That's scary right?
And let's not talk about going to another state altogether... my nerves can't take it!
I know the Bible says that God has not given us the spirit of fear ,but the revelation I got in that is there is a difference between having a slight apprehension about something versus a spirit of fear hovering over you to the point you can't function. That's called paranoia which is a mental illness and you need to see the previous post from February 1st on mental illness. Get some counseling...
But what I do know is fear comes with uncertainty but that's what fuels our faith. Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. If we knew what was going to happen we would need God to grant us peace that passes all understanding. So even in the little things and in the midst of feeling small butterflies in my stomach when it comes to facing the fear of being in limbo I know I'm walking in faith and peace.
In the meantime I'm gonna make sure I put Febreeze, Glade and scented candles on my hope chest/wedding wish list registry so me and my future boo can love on each other in liberty!!!
Go with God!