Yeah, I know it's been a while since I posted but between my Whitney grief, Davy Jones' memorials, every day battles with my sanity, technical difficulties and such other matters just charge it to my head. But *Varnell Hill voice* did ya miss me?
I can say my mind has been racing with various sundry topics and what has really been at the forefront is fear. The fear of being in limbo, perhaps having to start over in NC, or even going back to Atlanta and realizing I would still kinda be starting over. Then my thoughts were flooded with all sorts of things that I am afraid of concerning where I am or am not in my life.
Like following my dreams. I'm not fresh out of college anymore and while I feel better now than I did when I left college, I'm not old, but at 35, I'm no spring chicken either. Can someone else put up with the fact that when I'm really involved in my work at my desk I sing like I'm in the studio? Do you know how long it took my coworkers when we moved to cubicles that I really don't have much to say before 11am, but at 2pm I'm a ball of energy?
I even thought about entering a new relationship. At my age I'm set in my ways and anyone I might want to marry will be too. Do they take their shoes off at the door while I wear mine all around the house? Are they a morning person and I'm a night owl? And because my thoughts are pretty random, allow me to go a step further. What about passing gas? I was in an off/on relationship for many years and we had become comfortable enough to do that in front of one another. It took a long time though. (No lie this was something that really concerned me...) Even having to explain the crazy relationship between me and my non-gay best guy friend which they will never understand anyway so why bother!!!
But what if I go back to Atlanta and my friends and boos have forgotten about me! That's scary right?
And let's not talk about going to another state altogether... my nerves can't take it!
I know the Bible says that God has not given us the spirit of fear ,but the revelation I got in that is there is a difference between having a slight apprehension about something versus a spirit of fear hovering over you to the point you can't function. That's called paranoia which is a mental illness and you need to see the previous post from February 1st on mental illness. Get some counseling...
But what I do know is fear comes with uncertainty but that's what fuels our faith. Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. If we knew what was going to happen we would need God to grant us peace that passes all understanding. So even in the little things and in the midst of feeling small butterflies in my stomach when it comes to facing the fear of being in limbo I know I'm walking in faith and peace.
In the meantime I'm gonna make sure I put Febreeze, Glade and scented candles on my hope chest/wedding wish list registry so me and my future boo can love on each other in liberty!!!
Go with God!
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