Bloods vs. Floors: It just got real!

I'm actually blogging about a situation in real time. The situation is still in progress...
This is what happens when you ask me to house sit while new carpet is being installed:
1.Furniture is moved
2.Old carpet and padding is removed and place in the yard to be discarded.
3.New padding is laid, trimmed and stapled
4.New carpet is laid, ready to be trimmed
(here's where the order get's skewed)
5. The very sharp razor blade, used to trim the carpet, falls out of the man's pocket and slices his ankle/foot (There are now blood drippings on the new light gray carpet, next to the razor blade left in the middle of the floor)
6. The man stands shoe less on the front porch in a small pool of his own blood as it gushes from his foot
7. He calls someone from Fayetteville (an hour away) to finish the job
8. I hand him his shoes
9. He hobbles down the steps, gets his his van and leaves. All his tools are still in the floor and on the porch.
10. I stand there with a blank stare for a minute before I call the homeowner who isn't at all surprised that this happened because it's a textbook case of  Nilly B! shenanigans.

10.5- As I'm typing this a great downpour of rain has come and is soaking the old carpet in the yard, the tools on the porch and power washing the blood stained porch.

And yes, ALL OF THAT JUST HAPPENED!!!

The Amazing Wheelchair Race!

From the chronicles of Nilly and Ida B:
Now that my heart rate has returned to normal, I can tell the story.
Yesterday I was once again hustled by my grandma to take her shopping. Initially I was told she wanted to go to Walmart, but I knew she had more up her sleeve. Before we left the house, she tells me she wants me to take her to buy MORE flowers for her yard. I put emphasis on MORE because I have taken her to Lowe's and Walmart on my last two visits to get flowers, but there is a local plant farm she wanted to go to because they also have vegetable seedlings for her 2 vegetable gardens as well. Before we left the house, this 86yr old woman, with arthritic knees, who has no strength in her legs and uses a rolling walker tries to convince me not to bring her wheelchair on this shopping trip. Ummm, ma'am how do you expect to walk around to look at flowers??? She claims they have a "riding cart" that she can use to get around, but my I followed my first mind and loaded the wheelchair in the car anyway. So we head out to the plant farm...
I knew I was in for a time when this old lady decides to argue with my phone GPS and the signs along the route that are pointing towards this local business. Grandma is still very sharp for her age, but she does have her "senior moments". I follow the signs and GPS and end up at what appears to be a regular house with a very large back yard, but the sign says "LONG'S PLANT FARM" so I knew I was in the right place, whether she believed it or not. Like most local, rural, agriculture businesses, there was a dirt path to drive on and an extension of the path for handicapped parking. Just as I thought, I saw no signs of a "riding cart" at this establishment. I saw lots of plants, abandoned greenhouses, an appliance graveyard (a la Sanford & Son), rusted red wagons to carry the plants, but nothing motorized that grandma could ride which means I was going to have to push her through the actual sand in the yard located in the actual "Sand Hills" of eastern North Carolina. I was already over this outing, but grandma has been trying to get someone to bring her to this place and it was too late to turn back now.
I knew I couldn't push her around, grab the flowers she couldn't reach, put them in the wagon and pull the wagon all at the same time, but came up with a system. I would put the wagon in a central location in the nursery, grab the flowers, run them back and forth, then push her to the next section. Seems like a good plan, right? Well, I didn't factor in grandma's stubbornness and pride into my plan.
Picture it: The section we're browsing in is covered in black tarp on top of sand on uneven ground. I'm picking out gorgeous blooms and cayenne pepper plants as instructed, running them to my wagon in the center of a maze of flowers and greenery. Next thing I know I hear my grandma's signature high pitched voice saying "It feels like it's going by itself". Y'all, I look up and my grandma is sliding across the tarp, rolling down a hill towards the car, holding on the her pocketbook for dear life like Sophia from "Golden Girls". I couldn't even scream. I just gasp and took off running to catch this runaway wheelchair. All I could think was how am I going to explain to everyone how the matriarch of the family ended up injured from being tossed across this plant farm and covered in sand!!! JEEEEEESUSSSS!
After I catch her, just before she drifted into the driveway, grandma is laughing while I'm trying to swallow hard because it feels like my heart is in my throat. She's chuckling and telling me she was just trying to push herself so I wouldn't have to be worried with pushing her too. Really old lady??? Really??? Now is not the time to be "Ms. Independent"!
I gave up on my system and pushed her a few feet with one hand and pulled the wagon with the other. You can best believe I didn't step more that a yard from her without putting on the brakes!!! You will not have my cousins looking at me sideways because I literally let grandma get run over by a reindeer!

Grandma Mattie and Magic Mike: My take on the nursing home stripper scandal

*deep breath and sigh*

"Man Sues Over Mom's Nursing Home Stripper"

Yep... that's what the news headline says. 

And when I first saw a blurb on my Facebook feed involving strippers and senior citizens I just chose to keep scrolling because, albeit a little awkward, if I've learned nothing else from years of religiously watching the antics of Blanche, Dorothy, Rose and Sophia on syndicated reruns of the "Golden Girls" I know there are still plenty of active old ladies who like to see a "beef cake" and get it on every now and then. I wasn't really bothered by the news and found it to be a cute novelty story, until I heard on the story on TV and why it was actually making headlines.

It's not uncommon for retirement communities or nursing homes to bring in different types of performers or people to facilitate group activities for the residents. Sometimes it's just someone who's visiting a relative and they decide to play a few tunes on the rec room piano (like on "The Nanny" when they went to visit Yetta), other times it's a church choir or singing group who want to spend sometime spreading good cheer. (I've been on a few nursing home visits with my aunts and grandma as a child) Maybe the staff booked an aspiring clown or magician; there are even beauticians who come in for the day. The staff is always looking for someone to headline the activity area. This particular home has a committee of concerned residents who vote to *in my Jerome from "Martin" voice* "give the people what they want". At the end of the day, it makes the folks feel loved in the golden years of their lives. 

And this is why I was so shocked by the crux of the story. The son of one of the patients is suing the nursing home for exposing his 85 year old mother who suffers from dementia to this form of entertainment and making her participate against her will. He found a picture in his mother's belongings of her placing dollar bills in the waist of a scantily clad, very tanned and oiled, muscular man. He's filed suit for the sum of (according to some reports) a whopping $10,000,000!!! REALLY SIR???  I can understand him being appalled by the choice of entertainment. Male dancers (or female dancers for that matter) aren't what you'd expect to see on the monthly activity calendar at "Shady Pines", but suing is just a ridiculous response. Express your concern to management, maybe get a few months free while you look for other accommodations for your mother, but to file suit seems a bit extreme.

But the story only gets better and this is where I'm about to go all the way in on this clown...

If you look closely at the picture of  "Mattie" (that's just the name I'm using cause it felt right) as she is stuffing this man's draws and making it rain, there is a lady sitting next to her looking on in amusement with a smile on her face. This woman is the girlfriend of the son.YEP... for lack of better term, she's "Mattie's" daughter-in-law!!! GET THE FRICK OUTTA HERE!!!!

You mean to tell me that at no time did the thought cross your mind as you were visiting "Mattie" that you should have pushed her wheelchair out of the room or covered her eyes or started praying or something!!! Not once could you find a way of escape. You just sitting back grinning like a Cheshire cat?!? I spend quite a bit of time with my 85yr old grandma and if something is a little "too hot" for tv I change the channel out of respect alone (not to mention no one wants to watch folks make out with an 85yr old baptist church mother!!!)  Her only defense was "I just couldn't believe it. But, it's not in my hands to say anything." BYE FELICIA!!! Nah... you just didn't do anything cause you had already placed your "love offering" in his waistband. AND you sat through it, but still didn't call your boo afterward to tell the story. No call or nothing to say "Bay, you not gonna believe what happened when I went to see Ma Mattie today!!!" otherwise he wouldn't have been mad when he found the picture.

So, bruh, let's talk about the real issue. It's not the nursing home's fault. The resident committee voted and several other communities have come forth as saying this isn't anything new. The residents didn't object, it was all in fun, the patients safety wasn't at risk and no other relative of a patient (to our knowledge) is complaining. Just like anything else that happens "Mattie" had a choice. Did you sue when your mom didn't eat all of her dinner because she didn't want carrots that day, or did you sue when they showed a Madea movie instead of an old black and white film? Did you get hot when ping-pong was voted in over a Bid-Whidst tournament? No, you didn't cause it was a matter of CHOICE! Even if she wasn't in the best state of mind that day, your girlfriend certainly had a chance to intervene, but she didn't because she enjoyed the daylight all male review and didn't even have to pay a cover charge!!! 

You probably hadn't visited your mom in months anyway and when you did you saw your chick in a picture with your mom and a stripper and now you're feeling some kinda way and now you're trying to find someone to blame and get paid because now you're shame...When it comes to your foolish attempts, allow me to quote the great words of Juvenille, sir, "Back that thang up!!!" (which is probably what "Mattie" and your girl was saying too!)

And to think, all of this could've been avoided had some of the women not been jealous because the male residents went on a field trip to Hooters... *shrugs* 2 wrongs don't make a right, but 3 rights make a left!!!

Tracks of my tears #selfie

I'm going to go ahead and say this upfront. This is a very spontaneous blog post that I just decided write while seeing another post on Facebook and I may even muster up the courage to give you a visual before I'm done... 

There is currently a link from tickld.com that I've seen several times on Facebook titled "20 Things Women Do That Men Probably Don't Know About" which is an accurately amusing list of things some of us have kept a secret for a while. (Who let this list get out??? What happened to Girl Code?) As I was reading and came across number 3 which states "Watched themselves cry in the mirror at least once during a heavy cry session"

I immediately started laughing because it reminded of something I did one time in an irrational fit of heartbreak. I'm sharing this with you because I know someone can relate and I'm glad I can look back on it and laugh. (or you'll think I'm totally nuts, but either way "My Life, Your laugh!!!)

I won't tell you how long ago this was but you will be able to figure out that it wasn't in my teen years from the context of this story, so here goes: (Ok seriously y'all I'm so tickled I can barely type!)

If you keep up with me via social media, my blog and certainly in real life, you'll know my love life (or lack there of) can't even be compared to a roller coaster of emotions; it's a whole amusement park!!! During one of the many break-ups of me and my on again/off again boyfriend of many years, I met a guy and we started hanging out. Nothing too serious. We would go to dinner, movies, if I had an event, he'd be my "plus one". Eventually, we started spending more time together because we ended up living in the same neighborhood and nobody wants to have pizza and go to the RedBox alone. There were no rules, we didn't "go together" and honestly, at the time I was actually interested in someone at my church. I thought there were we fine until...

I had recently been going through quite a bit at work, had a death in the family and... well it was just a lot going on. I got my hair done one Friday afternoon and felt like going out. It had been a few weeks and I decided to call my homeboy, but he didn't answer. I left a message and he responded with a text that said something like "Hey. I can't hangout tonight. I'm hanging out with my girlfriend." WHAAAAAAAAAAAA??? Did he just say "GIRLFRIEND??? I was done! We'd known each other for years and why didn't I know about this new chick??? Did I get played? I was confused (but mind you I had been going out with other folks too. Cue Jamie Foxx "Just Like Me") Well obviously in a fit of PMS hormone induced emotion, I immediately started crying uncontrollably. I called my best friend (who is a guy) all the way in NC and he was unmoved by yet another outburst (I used to be a slight drama queen.) And here's where the story relates to the list above on a whole new level...

I had also recently got an upgrade on my cellphone and was fascinated, dare I say slightly obsessed with taking what is now known as a "selfie". I don't know what came over me but as I was crying, I had my phone in my hand. I'm not sure if my initial intentions were to send him a text to let him know he broke my heart, maybe I was going to play some "woe is me" R&B tunes, but when I looked at the screen and saw my reflection I hit the camera button. And with tears running down my face and eyes swollen from crying I snapped, not one, but 3 pictures of myself!!! Wait for it... then I sent them to my bff so he would feel bad for not realizing how bad I was feeling. And then he called me back only to laugh in my face, which only made me more upset. I was a wreck and to this day I'm still not sure why I was so distraught!!! It was like something out of a very bad romantic comedy. 

Eventually I pulled myself together and the next day I wasn't quite over it, but I when I saw those pics on my phone I thought to myself "Really? Did you really do that?" To this day I can call my bff, mention those pictures and we laugh like we're on nitrous oxide!!! 

I know I'm not the only woman who has done something crazy like this, but I bet I'm the only one bold enough to share my pain so you could laugh!!! 

I'm still not bold enough to share the pics in public, but if you know me and you NEED a good laugh at my expense text me cause I still got 'em for the sake of posterity

Who run the world??? SQUIRRELS!!!

After a rough winter this week will mark the beginning of spring on the calender.  I love spring time. I don't suffer from allergies so going outside and sitting on the porch or in the park with a good book brings me much delight. Here in NC we've had a few days of spring temperatures to give us a preview and with warmer temperatures our cute little furry friends like to come out of hiding and frolic with us. This is where the problem comes in. I've recently discovered squirrels don't like me and the feeling is now mutual!!!

You see, I'm a city-country girl. I wouldn't consider myself an animal lover, but I respect them in their natural habitat. Anywhere there is an abundance of trees chances are you will see these furry tailed creatures known as squirrels. I totally understand tree's are their thing. They climb trees, make burrows near trees, they eat the nuts of trees. I have never in my life taunted one of these cute creatures, but for some reason they seem to have it out for me. 

When I was in college it seemed as though there were as many squirrels as there were students and they would let you know the brickyard really belonged to them. I can't tell you how many times I saw someone leave the Chik-Fil-A at lunch and get chased by a squirrel waiting for them to drop a fry crumb. I didn't give them a chance to chase me. Giving a fry to Chip and Dale wasn't gonna ruin my lunch. I even said a prayer of condolence when Hurricane Fran came through the campus and there were literally dead animals still clinging to acorns, with their fur soaked from rain that had been blown across the yard. I tried to be there friend. 

But over the last few years it seems as though the tables have turned. One day me and a friend decided to grab some subs for lunch and enjoy them in the park. A squirrel comes by so I throw out some crumbs. It comes back. I didn't throw out any chips. It stood on it's hind legs and began to touch it's "nuts" as if to tell me to "jerk off!" Me and my friend looked at each other like "Did you see what I saw?" (You don't have to believe it. I have a witness and she will tell you that is the God in heaven truth. No exaggeration whatsoever!!!!) I was flashed by a rodent!!!  

Then just last week when we had a preview of spring I'm sitting on the porch, reading on my kindle, enjoying an Arnold Palmer on crushed ice and I hear some rustling in the leaves. Ahhh, the sounds of spring. Only for me to look up and two squirrels start BARKING at me!!! WHAT THE HECK??? First of all I didn't know they made noise and I certainly wouldn't think that it should sound like a small dog bark. I look at them, they look at me, then they climb up the tree and start mating. I guess that was some sort of mating call and I was being intrusive. Granted, my house is surrounded by trees, but this house has been here for twenty years. I know this wasn't your turf first. I just know it. Take your rodent rendezvous to a forest, not my front yard. This is a family home for goodness sake. 

I'm already afraid of deer (and rightfully so) but I will not allow these over sized mice with fluffy tails to run me out of my yard or the park bench! 

If y'all hear me from a distance yelling "ALLLLVVVVVIIIINNNN!!!" just know they started it first!!!

The Grammy awards show... Why you mad tho?

Before I start this let me preface it with 2 statements:
I love Jesus!
I love music!
Got it? Good.


Every since I was a little girl, I've always loved watching the GRAMMY awards show. I had the joy of being a kid in the 80's when MJ was moonwalking with Emmanuel Lewis and Brook Shieldds as his dates (wait...retroactive redflag waving), Cyndi was a girl who just wanted to have fun, Madonna was much closer to being a virgin than she is now, Van Halen and White Snake were wearing big hair and animal print leggings, Andre Crouch and the Clark Sisters were "crossover" gospel artist who got a few minutes on the stage and yes, I'm old enough to remember when DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince were the first rappers to win the coveted award. I even got to stay up past my usual bedtime because they stayed on until 11pm. (I never had to beg or bargain. I think my parents just knew it would be better to let me stay up because I would be devastated if I missed one moment of Michael Jackson or any of his kin folks on the screen)
So let's fast forward to last night. The year 2014. The Staples Center in Los Angeles... host venue of the star studded GRAMMYs. Just like back in the day it opened up with an amazing performance by one of today's hottest acts, the most influential MARRIED (note the emphasis on that word and put a pin in it) couples in music, Beyoncé and JAY-Z. A few awards were given out, tributes were given, more amazing performances were given. Jay-Z wins an award, thanks God (but still gets some backlash cause folks don't listen to full statements in context), more awards, Beatles tribute and then almost at the end the usual cliché performance with a generic choir in robes comes but only as a follow up to a surprise modge-podge mass wedding of 33 couples of different races and sexual orientation being officiated by Queen Latifah and serenaded by Madonna. It was, all in all, a typical 21st century GRAMMY awards show celebrating the recording arts and the people who enjoy recordings of all genres.
So, ummm, I got a question... Why you mad tho? Social media was all abuzz last night on my timelines about how risqué Mr & Mrs. Carter (yep, they're married) were on stage because it was 8pm and your kids were still up. (And I bet a lot of those same kids know all the words to Drunk In Love cause they certainly know all of Bey's other songs.) Beyoncé Knowles Carter was in a relationship with her now husband for many years and we've never seen her be overly sexual with him on stage (that I can recall, and I saw them live at an awards show. Yep, I was there!) prior to them getting married. She's even stated how she's been inspired artistically by her marriage and the love that created her beautiful child. It's none of my business what they did when they were going together, but she didn't show up on a red carpet with a baby bump as Jay-Z's fiancé or girlfriend, she was Mrs. Carter! And last night she could've pulled a Robin Thick and Miley Cyrus move, but she was all over her husband who lives with her and their child. She's been an entertainer more than half her life and they still got bills to pay. Sounds like the American dream to me. So if you heard the music and saw the smoke and a scantily clad woman, but didn't change the channel...ummm. Yeah, have a seat in that same chair she was dancing on!
Then my timeline was mad at the end of the show because of the same-sex marriages within the mass wedding ceremony. Ok, I get it. Everyone doesn't like gay people and doesn't think they should be married. That's your opinion, you're entitled to it. (Right or wrong, I haven't expressed mine either way cause that's not what this is about right now). It's the GRAMMYs. It celebrates music and people and how music brings ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE TOGETHER! It wasn't on TBN or the WORD network. Supporting ethics, morals, popular opinion, or salvation isn't the job of the National Academy of Recording Arts and Scientists. And if my memory serves me correct, when church people had their chance to shine at the GRAMMY primetime show, y'all got mad cause Dr. Mattie Moss Clark and The Clark Sisters tried to bring church into that auditorium full of "secular" artist. If folks had just let well enough alone and not been so deep all those years ago, Tye Tribbett would've had Taylor Swift shouting all over that place to "He Turned It" (and you know I'm right cause Taylor dances to everybody!!!) instead of the controversial nuptials. All we do is criticize and then get upset when it gets taken away. Have all the seats in Lakewood, please!
My issue is why are we always trying to find something to be mad about and last night just proved how oxymoronic (look closely at the root word) we are in our thoughts. I can think of a lot of celebrity couples who aren't setting an example like the Carters as far as moral code goes (I mean there's another non-married couple who will remain nameless but they're shacking up with their baby in the grandma's house. Y'all know y'all can rent something. Just saying.) and if you don't like what you see during the awards show artistically, morally, wardrobe choice, stage setting, lighting...whatever, then don't watch and don't support the music. But if you are going to watch from beginning to end, don't blame the Academy. They give out awards for quality music and recordings (even books on tape). Our job as good Christian folks is to spread the Gospel and love of Christ, be fruits of the spirit and such. Uhhh, yeah, when's the last time you did that instead of dissing a good celebrity married couple or a same-sex couple on stage or a hip-hop artist in a weird hat or musicians in robot costumes?
Now I'm not saying Christian folks shouldn't feel compelled when they see things out of sorts I'm saying make sure you're in an uproar over the right thing. So flip over your WWJD bracelet and get this engraved on the other side: WYMT (Why you mad, tho?)
I'm not that deep. I'm still saved. One day during my life's journey, I'm going to the GRAMMYs, gonna have a good time and still be on my way to heaven and certainly enjoying the trip!

2014: You betta ask somebody!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR FOLKS!!!

Yikes... 2014 is here! It seems like it just came out of nowhere. One day it was February 2013 then all of a sudden it was December 2013. So much happened last year and it got me to thinking: A lot of what I went through might have been avoided or I would have been better prepared had I simply started asking questions. And not just me asking questions, but if people had asked me questions then I would've been honest and when I gave the answers maybe I would've realized the truths I was hiding from everyone else all for the sake of pride. This revelation came to me while having lunch with my good girlfriends on New Year's Eve and they were shocked by some of the things I was revealing. Granted there were some things I was just too shamed to tell them because ...well never mind, that's another story for another day. Just know there is truth in the saying "Why do fools fall in love?" But for the most part I'm very transparent with my friends and if you ask me something I will tell you what really went down. I told them they should have just asked.
Not only did my conversation with my girls get my wheels turning, but I thought about how my best friend (who's a guy) knows just about everything there is to know about me because he ask questions. Never pushy, he just has a way of casually getting information out of people. He can talk to a complete stranger in the grocery store line and get their personal version of  "ROOTS" between the Pepsi cooler and the plastic bags. Meanwhile, I can go out with someone for lunch 3 times in the same week and not know their hometown. I'm exaggerating, but not by much. He's always getting on me for not asking questions or not getting enough details. (this has caused countless arguments and frustrating moments when we get asked to perform. I'm like "If we got mics, keyboard and amp, I'm good. He's all "How high are the ceilings and how many chairs cause that will determine the acoustics...yada yada") *shrugs*
Not only have my in-person conversations made me scratch my temples, but in this age of social media and texting and such, I've realized questions need to be asked for the sake of clarification. Tone and inflection isn't always interpreted via text, even when you use emojis  (Watch out for that semi-colon winky smiley cause he/she is breaking up happy homes) Sarcasm and rhetorical questions don't always go over well via text. Inside jokes are taken out of context to people who aren't in the know. Facebook isn't the place for innocent nicknames that could also be used as a term of endearment or perhaps one person is posting something the other party isn't fully committed to. For example: You're tagged in a picture with someone of the opposite sex out on the town and the caption says "Me and my boo. I love me some him/her!" And folks are commenting "Awww...Y'all make a cute couple." (cause it seems like y'all are very coupled up) but then the tagged person status and inbox says "Oh no, I'm still VERY single". Someone needs to ask questions for the sake of clarity in this season coming off Christmas headed into Valentine's Day! (not saying it happened, just saying)
So to keep history from preventing itself I've proclaimed 2014: The YEAR OF DIRECT INQUIRY!!! I'm asking questions folks!!! It's up to the people I ask to be honest when I ask them, but I promise you I'm about to ask. I've even come up with a list of top 10 questions that I should've asked in the past but I think may work in 2014. (in no particular order)
1.Are you single AND available? Follow-up: You're not in a sketchy marriage, you don't live with your baby mama, I won't see you on Instagram kissing a woman at a party in a post from last Saturday???
2. Have you recently been arrested  and for what? White collar, blue collar, misdemeanor, child support, sex offender, domestic violence, bad checks??? (Note: you can also ask this same question about loss of job)
3. Do you work a real job? As in you file taxes, you're not on mental disability, or stealing your parents/grandparents SSI.
4. (For employers) Have you ever had payroll checks bounce? Will I be shamed at the bank on payday? (Note: Question #2 might  also need to be asked of a new boss or employer)
5. Before we go out, do you have money? Follow up: Do you have enough money for the date we're going on? Do you have more than 5 dollars in your pocket and/or bank account combined because I will not help you if you have to go to your car and get change out of the ashtray?
6. Do you have kids? If so how many? And how often do you see them? Is there anyone who could possibly be currently pregnant with your child?
7. Are you a Christian? Are you saved? Like for real saved or are you trying to make me one of the "Sister Wives" or part of a sex cult?
8. May I see a copy of your 3rd grade report card or school records? Follow up or in lieu of: Your 6th and 8th grade writing competency tests, CATs, SATs, ACTs and/or High School senior class project.
9.Tell me about your best friend? Follow up: Are you referring to an imaginary friend?
10. Are you crazy? (Note: if they adamantly say they are NOT crazy and get offended by this question, the answer is YES, they are crazy and trumps any of the other answers)

Now of course, always go with your instinct but this year my inquisitiveness will fuel my instinct. The Bible says the people will perish for a lack of knowledge and I'm not going down this year because I didn't ask!!! I'm asking folks and I'm asking the Lord for guidance cause another year like 2013... AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!

*starts singing The Winans *

Let's make it a good one y'all!
Nilly B!

9 months of changes, and I wasn't even preggers!

Yikes... I knew it had been a while but 9 months is waaaay too long between post. I could've gotten married and had a baby and been a stepmom by now (all very realistic thoughts in retrospect) Why didn't someone ask me "What's going on?" Surely y'all didn't think the foolery that often surrounds me ceased... and trust me it didn't!!! As a matter of fact it went to a new level that I can't even totally tell you in a blog. It needs a book...

The past 9 months have been crazy!!! Let's see...
I've had 3 jobs.
I sold cars for 3 month and honestly the laughs were endless, but the hours were exhausting  I was too tired to do anything after those 14hr days, but trust me there are some stories in the archives that I will share.
One of those jobs moved me to Sanford, Florida for 5 weeks just in time for the Zimmerman/Martin civil unrest. A mannequin spray painted black in a neon hoodie was in the office, which the boss referred to as "Trayvon". Yes... you read that right. I knew it was gonna be a sketchy time.
I gained 20lbs in the short time I was in Florida. Food in a touristy area is delish!!!
I've dated 2 guys. Got VERY serious with the 2nd and discussed marriage/elopement while in Florida. 3 months after moving back to NC, the truth was revealed and let's just say "GOD BLOCK IT!!!" I'm can't be Dr. Phil.
In the course of my 7 month whirlwind romance, one of the highlights was my mailbox being ran over. (See previous statement and ask me later),
In a related story, I also discovered my ability to tutor remedial reading and writing in adults. :-/
Surprisingly, I've only been back to Atlanta once. This has made me very homesick for my second "home".
This summer I almost drowned at a water park in 3 feet of water cause my weave was very heavy when wet and weighed me down.
I'm an aunt again and the "kids" are my reason to keep going.
I've lost 14 of the 20lbs I gained in Florida.
I have gained a new skill of being able to tell the fragrance someone is wearing when they walk by.
With that being said, I'm still looking for full-time employment.
I haven't been to a movie in the last 6 months that didn't make me cry at some point. Even comedies and cartoons. (Yep, even Kevin Hart's "Let Me Explain" took me down in the last few minutes)
I had a birthday and as long as folks keep thinking I'm in my mid twenties, I'm gonna let them keep thinking it.
My grandma is still my boo!!!
I still have insomnia and I recently discovered you can get "addicted" to an herbal supplement.As a result, I had withdrawals from liquid melatonin that you get at Walmart.
I still experience the results of the "No Child Left Behind" generation at least once a week in stores. Like today when the cashier rang up my purchase and it showed $1 on the screen and she was going to do a price adjustment because it was supposed to be 50% off of $2. *smh*

Ok... this list is just the random thoughts that came to me once I realized I neglected my blog.  And looking at this list I can tell you what's most important is I'm still here by God's grace. Seriously, I almost let go! But even in my thinking of giving up, something crazy would happen and I'd decide to go on another day so I could tell someone about the craziness from the day before cause it would be so unbelievable.
This has been an interesting 9 months and I'm gonna try to do better with this blog.
Up, downs, smiles and frowns, even tears at times, but one thing's for sure... My life is STILL YOUR LAUGH!!!

Make that change...

Hear my heart on this one. I'm concerned about what they're teaching kids in school nowadays. Or should I say, what they're not teaching. Whatever happened to the alliterative basics... reading, writing and 'rithmetic? Composed in those core subjects are the tools for everyday life, not rocket science. Read on and you'll find out what prompted this. The following just happened to me and is all true:

I rarely eat meals at McDonald's (notice I said meals, like burgers & fries, because those ice cream cones, McFlurries, and McCafe Smoothies are something special and I will stop for one of those if the craving has a hold on me.Anywhoooo!), but I decided to stop by tonight for the grand opening of the new one on the corner by my house. It's kind of a big deal because 15years ago there was nothing in our neighbor hood , but a pizza place (that may be a cover for the mob) and 2 gas stations on the other side of the bridge.
I order my food in the drive through; the total on the screen was 4.05 which was also confirmed by a a nice young lady who asked me to pull around. Seeing that this is the first day this store was opened I figured my extra pickles might throw them for a loop so I was prepared to be patient.
I get to the window and once again was told my total was 4.05. Here's where it gets confusing...
I gave the young lady ( who appeared to be late teenage, definitely high schooler) a twenty dollar bill and a nickel.
I wasn't paying attention really but when she started counting coin change I thought it was odd. Maybe she ran out of ones.
She then said "15 dollars and 95 cents is your change."
I responded "But I gave you a twenty and a nickel"
She concurred by saying "Yes ma'am. And your change is 15 dollars and 95 cents"
I explained to her again that I gave her correct change and she still insisted very nicely my change was 15 dollars and 95 cents.
Finally I said in my kindest, elementary school teacher-esque voice. "No, sweetie. If my total was 4.05 and I gave you 20.05 then you should give me back 16 dollars."
To which she replied "Oh... really?" (like she was under the tree with Sir Isaac Newton) "I'll have to get a key"
By the time she got the key from the manager to put the change back in the drawer and give me the correct change, my food was sitting at the next window,of course, with my fries getting cold. But I didn't care. The golden, hot, delicious potatoes crisp from the oil don't compare to the satisfaction of such a teachable moment.

I couldn't look down on that young lady without extending a hand to help her up. Each one teach one. If I can help somebody as I pass along the way ( or the drive thru) then my living will not be in vain.
Wait... did this just take a Black History Month turn too? MESSAGE!

10 things you DON'T want for Valentine's Day... Trust me!

The following was originally written and posted on Facebook a couple of years ago, but I figured I share it on my blog and I think it's worthy of a repost.  I should also note the couple I reference recently got married.There's hope! 

Enjoy!

 Thursday, February 10, 2011 at 3:08am

Today at work a coworker of mine who has recently started dating a guy said he asked her what she wanted to do for Valentine's Day. They've only been dating for a month or so and they both are kinda nervous about doing too much or not doing enough as far as celebrating goes. She thought about suggesting something from Victoria's Secret... ummmmkay. Well I gave my two cents by telling her it may be a little too soon for lingerie but a nice fragrant body splash/lotion set perhaps would be a little more subtle. (Not hatin', just sayin') I did, however, give the disclaimer that I may not be the best person to ask about what you want for Valentine's Day cause my track record with relationships and gifts is pretty bad, but based on past experiences I can certainly  tell you what you DON'T want on that day (or the days surrounding that day) and I laughed myself to tears, thus the inspiration for this blog. 

As a kid Valentine's Day was right up there with Christmas on my list of favorite holidays (ok, actually I love most holidays for one reason or another. Even Earth Day get's me a little misty eyed because of MJ's "Earth Song", but I digress...) I mean for a little girl who loves stuffed animals and all things pink and red and girly the decorations alone caused my eyes to twinkle. (I still stock up on half price pink items on the 15th) Dad always brought mom a box of long stem roses. Mom always made sure we each had our own bag of tasty red hot cinnamon hearts (because my brother would eat a whole bag by himself), and me and my sister got kissing bears of some sort. I always wore red and looked forward to giving cards and candy to my friends. Even though my first heartbreak ever happened on Valentine's day when my elementary school crush made it very clear in front of everyone "I LIKE YOU BUT I DON'T LIKE YOU LIKE THAT...WE DON'T GO TOGETHER!!!"  while ripping the construction paper heart off my desk and leaving my real heart broken to pieces, that didn't stop this hopeless romantic from enjoying February 14th.  But little did I know he would set a trend for foolishness in February (and any other month of the year for that matter). Honestly none of these things seemed funny at the time, and there were times where tissue wasn't absorbent enough so I just walked around with a hand towel for the tears.  I'm just glad I'm at a point where I can look back and laugh at these moments with limited therapy, much prayer and I never caught a case :-) 

So in no particular order these are my top 10 list of things you definitely DON'T want for Valentine's day:

1. You don't want to see your boo at your job (or school) putting a gift on your desk (or your locker) from down the hall only to get closer and discover he left the gift on the desk (or in the locker) of the girl who's desk (or locker) is beside yours. Depth perception will fool you every time. 
2.  You also don't want to see the aforementioned boo carrying a big mylar heart balloon down the same hallway later on the day thinking it's a peace offering only for the balloon to go to someone totally different as well :-/
3.  You don't want another man to see a picture of the guy you're dating on a mantle at a mutual friend's house and someone ask "Oh you know him? He goes to my school" and the man says "Yeah, that's my ex" *blank stare* Note: This could possibly  lead to projectile vomiting as an immediate reaction.
4.  You don't want to get in an argument on the 13th because you made plans to go out of town with your single friends on V-day weekend. In a sad effort to make you feel guilty and win the argument he says "So you're leaving town... You don't know what I had planned and your gift is in the trunk of my car"  So you feel bad and rush out to get a card or something only to discover there was no gift in the trunk at all, there never was. It was just a lie to win the argument. Really though??? I could've been packing my suitcase fooling with you!
5. You don't want to spend Valentine's Day (morning or night) with someone only for their FB status to change the next morning to "In a Relationship With ___________" or "Married to_________" or "Engaged to_________"  but it's not with you. Ummmkay... late in the midnight hour Cupid turned things around for you didn't he sir??? 5 a.You also don't want for your Valentine to be tagged in any pictures on the 15th  or the month to follow that would confirm said status i.e. engagement pictures, wedding pictures, or pictures of them exchanging gifts.
6.  You don't want a card that was purchased while in the Walmart together, signed with the cashier's pen when he signed the receipt, and given to you on the way out the door. A nice cute text would've had a little more of the element of surprise.
7. You don't want to find out he wanted to come over your place and hangout for Valentine's Day (and every other day) because he was trying to get with your roommate or friend all along. Nothing funny to insert here... that's just messy! Touche!
8.  You don't want to go to Waffle House, and your date get the runs. You get home, he breaks the toilet (the actual bowl broke and shattered), cut's his butt very badly on the shattered porcelain and is bleeding profusely  so now the floor is covered in blood, boo-boo, and bits of glass. You end up having to do first aid on the very deep butt cut with gauze and tape. And sadly that wasn't the shame that cause us to go our separate ways. He was more embarrassed to tell me he still lived with his mama. 
9. You don't want to be sitting on the couch enjoying a lovely Valentine's evening boo'd up watching TV or a movie and Boris Kodjoe or L.L. Cool J or Idris Elba (or any other fine man) comes on the screen. As a woman you respond "MMMMMM MMMMMM" and the man you're with has a Freudian slip and says "Oh yeah... he fine now" in agreement and an awkward silence fills the room. Neither of you ever mention it again. 
10. You don't want him to say you're going out for dinner at a restaurant (where his friend is the manager indicating it's a hook up) only to pull up to Chuck E. Cheese. Yeah... where a kid can be a kid!!! So let me get this straight... We're at Chuck E Cheese... on Valentine's Day... on a hook up... and  I didn't even get any free skee ball tokens???  WHAT'S UP WITH THAT??? (that's what sucked the most)

I don't want anyone to read this and feel sorry by any means (because some of them are rather sad), and I've had some awesome Valentine's Day's by myself and with friends (yeah, it's ok to hangout as friends on that day). I just want people to be careful what they ask for and think twice before you complain, cause it could be worse. Not all of these things actually happened on Valentine's day (although most did), but they did happen.  And because I'm friends with quite a few of my exes on Facebook, if you don't leave a  comment no one will know I'm talking about you before God brought you out :-)

My life... Your Laugh!!!

Nilly B! 

Missionary position... No thank you!

Ok with Valentine's Day coming up I wanted to share something that's on my heart. Some of you may or may not be able to relate to this but I've decided to be transparent. I know the title of this post is what made you click on this but calm down it's not what you think...
I've had my share of dating woes. (I'll repost the worst of the worst soon), and if you follow my adventures you know I took myself of the market. Recently I decided to give dating another try and well, let's just say my luck hasn't changed much. But it got me to thinking which was the inspiration for this post.
I want to talk about a very hot topic, especially in today's contemporary Af-Am churches amongst single women... Missionary Dating. For those of you who aren't familiar with this term it's when a believer/church person is dating someone who doesn't go to church or profess to be a believer. Now I'm woman enough to admit that prior to moving to Atlanta one of my rules was if I was going to be in a relationship they had to be a church guy. But once I moved to the big city I threw caution to the wind and that rule went out the window. I was in a new city and meeting new people, church or otherwise, was fun. I can say I met some nice guys and not so nice guys. Church had nothing to do with it. I'm not saying that guys who go to church are better than guys that don't at all. To be honest, church guys who have to pray about whether to go to a movie or get something to eat after church with a group of folks confuses me. At least a regular guy on the street sees what he likes and will simply ask you out. It's not that serious to me. If I'm seeing a guy who doesn't go to church I'm not worrying about him trying anything grown folks might want to do without my permission. That's called having standards. Both believers and unbelievers have those. One dinner with a guy who doesn't go to church isn't gonna send me to hell. But sir, don't offer to go to church trying to impress someone and you know you haven't been to church since Reagan was in office because that's where the problem comes in. You don't even know the basics anymore. Just because you watch on TV it's not the same.
Having a personal relationship with Christ is just that... personal. I can't judge you on that, only can go by what you say and do. But church, as a religious gathering, is a social and cultural thing. If going to church isn't something one of you isn't used to it's going to get awkward.If I've never gone fishing, I'm gonna asked what to do. I've never been to a shooting range, how does this gun work. Save me some shame!
I'm a church person. I grew up in church and have always been involved in church activities of some sort until I moved back to NC, (This season of rest is blessing me though. Just to be able to go to church and enjoy service... ahhh! but I digress) so when I go to service I enjoy it. I get involved  and I'm familiar with the culture of most churches. AME, Baptist, Pentecostal, Non-denominational charismatic worship centers, common cup Catholic mass... I've seen all kinds of church and I love anywhere the true and living God is being worshiped. What I don't enjoy is going with someone who is too shame to admit they don't quite know what to do when they get there so instead of asking what service is like I've got to spend my time baby sitting an adult in church.
All I'm saying is somethings don't change. They still take up offering; bring a 5 dollar bill. They still read scripture; have a bible (real or an app). They still sing congregational songs; be prepared to stand. It's 2013, turn off your phone! These are the basics. I could see you may be a little stunned if you're at a charismatic church and someone takes of running or speaking in tongues, and you may be a little uncomfortable turning to your neighbor every few seconds.
With that being said, I'm reimposing my rule and it's now on the top of my list of questions: Where do you go to church? When is the last time you've been? I don't have a problem Missionary Dating. I can win you to Christ, but I can't help you in an embarrassingly awkward social setting. Jesus will walk with you cause I'll be sitting several pews away... You're on your own dude.
And hear this...If you are a regular church going guy you best not invite me to church and not have a brunch outing planned afterwards. Praising God brings forth much hunger on a Sunday about 12:30-ish! Pay the tithe then get ready to tip a waitress!!!
Disclaimer: If you're already in my black book and you're not a church guy, we're cool. I still loves me a good, kind-hearted,rough-neck, street-smart, bible scholar. Don't judge me!

Fresh catch of the day: CATFISH!!!

*takes a deep breath and exhales*
Ok...I think I'm at a point where I can finally wrap my head around this topic to comment on it without typing cuss words out of sheer disbelief and frustration. This topic has been in the media quite a bit lately with the emergence of the MTV show, the sad, pitiful story of Notre Dame football player Manti T'eo, and as I type this I'm watching a Dr. Phil show on the very subject. Internet schemers, "Catfish", online hoaxers... I have but one question for these poor, desperate, gullible souls "WHAT THE &%#* WERE YOU THINKING? (I had to resort to cartoon cussing tho)
Now I'm not saying there is anything wrong with making friends via social media. I'm woman enough to admit I met a few men back in my late college days and when I first moved to Atlanta on Black Planet, Yahoo, and the likes. But that was back in the day when online profiling was new and technology wasn't what it was today. Most people didn't have digital cameras, so in order to post a pic chances are you had to scan an actual picture in the computer lab, save that scan to a square disc and take it to another compute to upload it which took quite a bit of effort. If someone didn't have a picture up yet, they either went to a school that didn't have the technology or they weren't that attractive. (Honestly there were some folks we wished didn't scan in a picture, but those are the ones who always had tons of pics. Mud ducks!)
But back to my point... Fast forward to present day. For as long as I can remember since having an email address for the last 15 plus years we have been getting these chain emails about Nigerian scammers, and yet people are still falling for them. I consider myself a pretty trusting person but I'm also not stupid, which seems to be the only word I can use to describe the people that find themselves wrapped up in these predicaments.  Even when I meet someone in person I'm asking all sorts of questions, and doing my due diligence before I go out on a first date. Where are you from? What school did you go to? Where do you go to church? What do you do? Who your people? Oh you're around my cousin's age and they went to school with somebody who went to that high school... Oh I'm playing Six degrees of Separation to put the pieces together. So it baffles me how you can fall for someone sight unseen to point you're lauding your exclusive relationship status and you're sending them money. There is absolutely no reason you should be in a relationship with someone you've met online never met someway, somehow. Cell phones have cameras, computers have Skype, OoVoo, you can Google most people and something will come up. I don't think I would be involved in this kind of foolishness but if I did, I would be asking for a cell phone picture every day and random times and looking for details. Why are you always dressed to the nines, I need a timed stamped pic of you in a wife beater so I know it's you dude! Gents, ask her to send you a time stamped pic of her in a velcro head wrap so you know she's legit. Skype me in your workout clothes or PJ's so I know it's real. Dudes you need to know the voice on the phone saying she's in bed with rollers is the same person you're gonna see on that screen. I've never heard of a girl lowering her voice to get another girl, but I can't even start on these guys creating effeminiate voices to trick dudes.That's provoking wrath and you're trying to catch a beat down. Catfish ain't documenting the whole story cause I need to see more beat downs!!! Even in this day and age distance shouldn't be a concern. If you can send a person hundreds or thousands dollars over 2 plus years, surely you can benefit from the Priceline Negotiator to get a plane ticket and/or a hotel.
This lady on Dr. Phil had given her internet lover (which turned out to be a Nigerian scam) $30,000 over 7 months. This clown was writing her emails laced with broken english and confusing responses (because he didn't understand her part of the conversation), yet you wired him a total of $30,000. How crazy does this make you look??? You can't even blame that on the flesh because you've never even seen this person in the flesh!!! You can't even say you were "whipped" and blinded by the booty!!! Lord help her if she ever experienced him in all his "Africanness", then I might be able to cut her a little slack. (yep, I went there cause you did too...GOODBYE!) $30,000 in this economy...that's more than a lot of folks make in a year. Perhaps the US government should make a few dummy profiles and find some of these desperate folks who have nothing better to do than send money to internet lovers. I just gave Congress the answer to the teetering "fiscal cliff". You're welcome America!

Dating with children: Child bye!!!

So I was looking through my old post and realized it's been a year since I wrote the now infamous post "Off the Market: A voluntary recall" about my personal decision to take a break from dating and looking for love. And just about the time I decided to lift the restriction, I've had another reality check which has fueled my fears for meeting new people...KIDS!
Now once again I must ad this disclaimer before you continue to read. This in no way reflects my thoughts on single parents and folks who are taking care of their kids. I'm just expressing my concerns based on some things I've observed.
Don't get me wrong, I love children. My nieces, nephew, little cousins and godchildren bring me much joy. I long for the day I become a wife and mother (AND IN THAT ORDER!). Shoot I'm a big kid at heart and in the Bible even Jesus loved the kids. I'm at the age where the reality is there are a great number of us (both men and women) who have kids, so I could meet a nice guy and be a step mom in the blink of an eye. I'm ok with that. But here's what I'm not ok with... using the kid as an excuse to be a lame date.
I've seen it time and time again from both men and women. Now of course I'm not a parent so I can't say I fully understand this plight, but I do know quite a few people who have found a good balance between making time for a new relationships, social activities and being a great parent. Even the Brady Bunch made the best of a blended family back in the day on TV with a maid (ok, fictitious example, but you get the point)
I'm gonna be honest... I have thought maybe I'm a little selfish in my mindset, but then I thought about it again and not so much.With my track record I've had boyfriends who didn't have kids and didn't have any excuse, they were trifling, so no big deal to me, but when you start using the kids as a pawn that ain't right.  I think I'm more than understanding when you tell me you have a PTA meeting so you have to cancel our date at the last minute, or you spent most of your money cause "baby need a pair of shoes" (that will always be a classic gospel laugh!) so we can't go out, hey, that's cool. But if your kid lives with their mom and you're complaining about child support, but have to take groceries over there every day something is sketchy, bro.
And guys aren't the only ones... ladies can't find a sitter so they can't go out. Wait... your kid is 16 tho! And you had no problem leaving that grown kid at home when you had to go to your homegirl's house to get that weave tightened up for club night. (Oh I went there!) Or if he don't have enough to take you and your kids out that's a deal breaker. Girl stop!!! It's the 2nd date... AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!
I guess what I'm saying is if you're not ready to be in a relationship don't use parenting as a reason to be a bad girlfriend or boyfriend. Take yourself off the market til you can pull it together. You make it bad for the people who really are looking for someone to grow with and can handle dating with children like a mature adult. So brotha's with kids, and no baby mama drama are encouraged to apply. I welcome you... Eventually me, you and your kid can go to Chuck E Cheese and I will take you both down in Skee-Ball and get tons of tickets and you'll only have enough to get a slap bracelet. (Wait...did I just talk trash about an arcade game to a non-existent boyfriend and a little kid? YEP!)

Uppity Negro... Who me? Couldn't be!

Happy New Year! I fully realize it’s been a minute since I’ve posted a blog. Despite having a birthday and the holiday season I have been uninspired to write anything that supports the theme of this blog site. I mean don’t get me wrong, shenanigans still follow me where ‘err I go (As I type this, I’m sitting a few seats down from a man who just told this whole waiting room he killed a man a few years back. Exactly!), but nothing thought provoking enough to write about it. But this morning something dropped in my spirit and I’ve got to get it off my chest.  Now before you continue reading let me say the subject matter is in no way intended to offend people. I’m not looking down on anyone or how anyone was raised, but I think this may help someone today.

Recently a guy I met told me I might be “too fancy” for him and seemed “high maintenance”. I was taken aback by this statement and it bothered me a little. I’ve been unemployed for over a year, so how can I be high maintenance? Just because I haven’t worked in a while, does that mean I’m supposed to have thrown away all of the nice things I had when I was working and exchange them for sackcloth and ashes…CERTAINLY NOT! Even when I was working, I was still a bargain beauty so I’m not understanding what gave him this impression. Sadly, this isn’t the first time I’ve been told I’m a little uppity. But there is a distinct difference between being uppity and wondering “Why the heck are you living like this in this day and age?”  Common sense, class, appropriateness, and just wanting to do better have nothing to do with being stuck up or putting on airs. Let me explain…

If I’m invited to a cookout (or barbecue depending on where you’re from) I expect to find food cooked on a grill. You know… hot dogs, hamburgers, maybe a rib, a hot link, etc. But if I get to your “cookout” and you’re cooking on a George Foreman  and you serve me a wiener, then say “bread is over there” as you point to a bag of Wonder white sliced bread, then I have every right to look at you crazy! I came for a hot dog on a bun, not a weenie on white bread! (Note: if your preference is actually white bread, heck, I even know folks who only want the weenie sans the bread; I’m not judging you, just making a point)

Let me give you another example… I grew up in North Carolina, home of tobacco and cigarettes, so if someone says to me “Oh do you mind if I smoke…” that’s not a big deal to me, but when you begin to roll your own special herbal cigarette without warning and I look at you like “What the heck?!?” I’m not being a snob; I just want to know before I aid and abet in illegal activity!!!

And here’s another one… I totally understand, everyone has different taste in clothing and wardrobe, but don’t tell me to get dressed up cause we’re going out somewhere special and I put on a cute dress, sparkly jewelry, hot heels and you come out in a sweat suit ; am I overdressed or are you underdressed?  No matter where we go one of us is gonna end up looking a fool!

Or we’re shopping in the grocery store and someone makes you a deal to buy food stamps. I’m not knocking food stamps at all or the food stamp hustle but if I’ve never been involved in such transactions how am I supposed to respond except with shock and awe. That’s not being snotty, it’s called confusion!

Here’s what it all comes down too… I grew up in a decent sized city with both hardworking parents in a house with my siblings that was filled with good times, moved to the rural county parts in my teens, spent my summers in the deep country, went to a predominately white high school and college so there are a lot of things I didn’t grow up around or wasn’t exposed to. I don’t think I am better than anyone, but where I’m from we (me, my family or my friends) didn’t do those types of things. It’s 2013; I can’t and won’t apologize for this anymore. I will proudly wear this alleged “bourgeois” badge with honor. If having couth, manners, training, etiquette, not wanting to catch a case makes me uppity… and if truth shall be my companion in the fuh-lames... SO BE IT! (You can never go wrong with a classic Cosby Show reference!).

I'm just trying to be like my girl Beyonce..."Let me upgrade you!" 

The Secret is out, but bruh... I ain't mad at'cha!

 If you don't know by now I thoroughly enjoy watching "reality" tv. One of my new reality guilty pleasures is Secret Princes on TLC. The concept of the show is like the classic Eddie Murphy comedy "Coming to America". They have found 4 bachelors of real royal blood (princes or lords) from other countries and dropped them in the middle of Atlanta,GA (they actually live in Midtown), renting a house (without servants) and working "regular" jobs (dog walkers, bus boys, cater waiters) and hitting the dating scene with their true identities hidden with hopes of finding a wife to take home to the royal family. The premise is rather entertaining. To see these bachelors who are used to being waited on hand and foot fumble around the city trying to act "normal" and having to take care of their chores at home (they didn't have a clue as to how to do laundry) is quite comical.
They've gone to various bars around town, speed dating events, dated co-workers and thrown a house party in an effort to meet some nice southern ladies to start a relationship but still keeping the royal titles a secret. But here is where I have a problem...
Since the premiere of the show the looming question leading up to the finale has been will the ladies they start seriously dating turn them down once they reveal their true identities because the guys haven't been totally honest with them....
Let me make sure I have this straight. A girl meets a seemingly average guy. They go out a few times. He treats her nice. She genuinely likes him thus far. After a few weeks she discovers he's not a cater waiter or dog walker, instead he's a PRINCE. As in royalty...crowns, titles, castles, governing body, folks bowing and curtsying. And because of this "lie" of omission and "technical" dishonesty she gets mad and says the relationship is over. THAT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN! NO WAY! NO HOW!
This is the good ol' US of A. We don't have royalty here so being a princess is what most little girls dream of. We love to dress up in crowns and poofy dresses. Then we get older and we run for prom queen or homecoming court or winter princess. That's why "Toddler and Tiaras" is such a hit... girls wanna be princess and those princesses wanna grow up to be queens. Ask any bridal consultant what most brides to be say they want to look and feel like on their wedding day and they'll tell you: A PRINCESS!  I don't know of a woman in her right mind who would be so overcome by her moral stance as to break up with a nice guy because she found out he was an actual PRINCE, thus making her a potential princess. If she does she's a fool inside of a fool with the multiple personality of a dingbat and a nincompoop imbecile.
I can't even imagine how that conversation would go:

Prince: I haven't been totally honest with you about who I was... My full name and title is "John Doe, Prince of Country XYZ"
Girlfriend: SAY WHAT?!? I can't believe you've been lying to me all this time. I can't trust you! You told me you were a waiter and you were really a prince. You totally decieved me and down played your wonderful life! HOW COULD YOU?!? I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!

See how ridiculous that sounds.

I'm not saying lying is right, but if you are going to omit some truth about yourself I am a lot more forgiving of someone who lies to tear them self down, than lies to build them self up. Don't lie and say you're a rookie pro-athlete but the reality is you just got appointed captain of your AAU team. Or you just got back from a business trip and your mama was house sitting for you but you really just got out of jail and still live in your mama's basement.

But if you tell me you went to college and leave it at that, but I later find out you're smarter than the guys on Big Bang Theory, I'm cool with that. Or you tell me you work in a restaurant, but you really own a local chain of restaurants. Or you work with contractors, but you're an architect designing half the growing skylines in the south I can work with you. Omitting some characteristics in the name of humility... Ain't nobody mad at that!

"Yeah, I broke up with him because I found out he was even more wonderful than he led me to believe. So I left him to be with the scrub who let me know he was a scrub upfront but if I stay with him ride or die, just as soon as these charges get dropped and he catches up on his child support we'll be on the come up in a few years..." said no one EVER!

I mean what are they expecting them to do at the reveal... Is someone gonna get mad enough to start singing the chorus of "Resentment" by Beyonce ? I know I wouldn't. I mean I'm not a gold digger but Dear Lord: please let me find out one of the boos in my black book is a secret prince and has been testing my loyalty and genuine friendship, I'd break out singing "It's Your Time" by Luther Barnes , remixed with Mary Mary's "Go Get It" !!! THANK YA SUH!!!

Perhaps one day my prince will come... but in the meantime I'll be tuned in Friday to watch the reaction of these lucky broads!!!

Can she hear me now???

 Grandma and me at our family reunion

One of the joys of being unemployed and moving back to NC is I get to spend more time with my 83yr old grandma who's lived in the same small town she was born in all of her life. (I've mentioned her a few times on my blog before) She thinks I'm wild and I think the same about her, so when we get together it's all the way LIVE! Her wisdom is invaluable and she's very sharp with her quick witted comebacks. She's in decent health and is still in her right mind, but she is very amazed with the technological advances and innovations she's seen happen in her lifetime. She's had cable tv for a while, has a cell phone, wi-fi (my aunt got it hooked up at the house), but Grandma is still in awe whenever she gets on Skype with her grand kids, great-grand kids, and great-great grand kids who live several states away. The first time she skyped she went on for days about how they always said one day you'd be able to see and talk to somebody but she still can't believe she could see them on "the tv" (computer screen). I can only imagine how someone who was born during the depression and remembers when tv's were invented feels when they see today's technology. I mean even I think we're but a few years away from flying cars like the Jetsons and I'm a generation X-er. But nothing prepared me for the episode that took place while we were on vacation...



Grandma and me on the boardwalk at Virginia Beach

I was invited to tag along on vacation to Virginia Beach with my youngest aunt and my grandma. I figured since I wasn't working yet I might as well enjoy the liberty to travel once again. So we left Wednesday and typed in our destination to my aunt's built-in GPS, but at the advice of several relatives we decided not to go the suggest route and take some quicker back roads. After what seemed like driving all day (but it was only about an hour and half) on these two lane country roads we end up in civilization and decide to use the GPS to the rest of the way. Not only did it get us to our hotel, but we used it throughout the city to get us around. Grandma was very quiet and listened intensely to the directions from the female voice and referred to it as "she", "her" or "the lady". Often she asked "What did she say?" making sure my aunt turned and followed "her" directions.
On our second day vacation we decided to find a mall and once again "the lady" got us to our destination without issue. Since it was a mall we didn't follow the GPS to the very end of the route and my aunt began to drive around the perimeter of the mall parking lot so we could scope out the anchor stores and surrounding shops near the mall. Me and my aunt begin pointing out various stores "Oooh Dillards." "Oh an Old Navy" and grandma says excitedly while pointing "Look... there's a MAXY'S!" We look in the direction she's pointing and my aunt says with a chuckle "Mama... that's MACY'S" and we all began to laugh. (Grandma is known for not quite reading something right, so even when we correct her she laughs at herself just as much as we do.)
I start laughing even harder because she's tickled herself, but then grandma stops laughing and says shamefully "Y'all better hush that fuss before them people hear you!"
My aunt looks at me, and I look at her like "who is she talking about?" I look out the window thinking maybe there was some people in the parking lot or perhaps a car beside us. No one is near us.
So my aunt turns to her and says "Uhhh mama what people?"
Grandma says with all seriousness in a whispery voice..."The lady 'nem" and points to the GPS screen!!!
My aunt and I looked at each other and LOST IT! I mean I hollered even louder. My aunt is trying to explain to her there really isn't a lady talking to us but we can't pull it together. We're laughing so hard that once again grandma starts laughing which only makes me laugh even harder.
And the more I thought about how grandma referred to the GPS as "the lady"  and was unusually quiet the whole trip, the funnier it was and the louder I hollered!!!
Later on that evening we finally figured out why she might have been confused a little. The GPS and bluetooth work very similarly so when we call someone they can hear everyone in the car and we're thinking grandma must've thought "the lady" giving the directions could hear us too.
I don't know who the female voice is behind the Dodge GPS systems is but wherever you are in the satellite atmosphere... thank you for the directions and the best laugh I've had in a while!

Job Fair or Sideshow?

After almost 10 months of being unemployed I've yet to hit the lottery or be discovered by a talent scout, so, like most out-of-work people in our country, I am actively looking for work. I scour the job sites, scroll through company web postings for openings and occasionally I hear of a job fair being held near by that I plan on attending. Most job fairs are well publicized so they draw people from all backgrounds looking for various types of employment which can prove to be interesting. The job fair I attended today was no different. It had been advertised in the local paper and was held in the mall atrium so of course it was open to the public.
Now don't get me wrong, I understand that there are people from all walks of life currently looking for employment thus the demographic of people attending these events can vary. I am by no means looking down on anyone but I will say this: You don't get a second chance at a first impression!
I know times and fashions have changed but when you're going to look for employment you should put a little effort into your appearance and behavior. This is not about being superficial, materialistic, or trendy, it's about being decent and in order. It's like when some people hear "fair" they automatically think "circus".
I have compiled a list of things that should never be seen at a job fair or interview*, but I yet I witnessed them today. (and trust me I'm not creative enough to make this stuff up)

1.  Tattoos are a touchy subject. Some work places are liberal in this area, but please don't show up seeking employment with a sleeveless blouse on if you're tatted from the elbow up to your neck.
2. A blouse and slacks is a nice business wear choice, but not when the blouse is one shouldered and certainly not when you're going to wear it with a regular bra thus the strap is showing on the bare shoulder.
3. And to add:  if you are wearing anything out of order that might show your bra (low back, halter,etc.) make sure the plastic security tag isn't showing on your bra. Note I didn't say price tag. Hard plastic security tag as in "Ma'am did you steal your bra???" (yep... I actually saw this!!!)
4. Guys, a dress shirt and slacks can be acceptable, but not a dress shirt with jeans and certainly not jeans with the namebrand (i.e. Rockawear, FUBU, etc.) and stitching in bright purple thread going down the front and back legs.
5. Lest it's for a religious purpose, a head scarf or bonnet is not an option!!!
6. Sexual preference is none of my business but I do know you can be androgynous and still be appropriate. A nice button up shirt and slacks works much better on a woman than a men's shiny 2 piece club outfit.
7. If you and your boo are both out of work, or your boo had to bring you to the job fair cause you didn't have a way there, hand holding, necking and other public displays of affection while greeting the recruiters isn't going to get you hired. The recruiter probably doesn't even want to shake your hand. Ewww!
8. Comb your hair. I'm not saying you have to be fresh out of a salon chair, but to look like you rolled out of bed after being chased by Freddy Krueger in your dream isn't a good look either.
9. Filling out an application on your homeboy's back... Really though??? Find a table or a clipboard for goodness sake.
10. Walking up to a booth and saying "Ayye, what y'all do?" #FAIL

I know it's hard out here for a pimp, but please don't make it easier for employers to pimp slap your resume or application straight into file 13 by looking or acting foolish.
Hey...maybe I should start a seminar or organization that stands outside of job fairs with a mirror and tells people to do better! If I can help somebody as a pass along the way...


*Note: This list isn't just for job fairs. Some of these things simply shouldn't happen no matter where you are going.

Reflections of a Shoe Shopaholic: Back to School!

This weekend I've been involved in the important preparation for my 14yr old niece's first day of high school. She went to her open house on Thursday to see her new school, Friday I took her to the beauty salon to get her hair done and yesterday I went to the mall with her and her dad to get polo shirts in various colors as part of the school dress code and shoes (which are apparently fair game as far as wardrobe goes). We even picked up some funky costume jewels to accessorize her uniform. All this hype about high school made me give some nostalgic commentary on my first day of high school which seemed to be nothing but high comedy to my niece.
Everyone who knows me knows I'm a fashionista and have high maintenance diva tendencies. My hair (real or weave) is always put together. I always have jewels on my neck, ears, fingers and wrist and like most women I LOVE shoes! But this wasn't always the case which is the testimony that took her into a fit of laughter.
We went into store after store looking for...gasp...SNEAKERS!!! Everywhere we went she was spouting off the number of an Air Jordan or Lebron or Griffey. If it wasn't gym shoes it was a hunt for something called a Sperry (which I couldn't tell the difference between the Sperry, or the Highland off brand, but I'm old so who cares). Seriously going to Foot Locker with her and her dad was like going to DSW for me and my sister. She can wear a kid's size sneaker so when we went to these stores she asked for her size they brought it out she tried it on, it fit and she had her pick of shoes everywhere we went. If they didn't have the color we tried another store. After what felt like the hundredth store she found this shoe she wanted in a color choice that we'd been hunting for. Now let me say my niece isn't spoiled but if the waters are stirred and she has her daddy at her beck and call hey why not ask the sales person if they have another shoe she'd been looking for...
And that's when I had some sort of flashback outburst that may need to be worked out in a therapy session. I look at her and ask "Haven't we tried on enough shoes today? I mean how many pairs of sneakers do you need? You could be going to the 9th grade wearing patent leather tie ups or orthopedic shoes!!!" And she laughed like I was joking, but I was apparently venting 22yrs later and was so serious.
 I know for a fact I looked a fool mess on my first day of high school, but you couldn't tell me back then. Actually a uniform would've been less shameless. My clothes were homemade but weren't too bad (my grandma could see then and was a great seamstress). I was rockin' the polka dots like Kwame in the 90's but my head and feet were a shameful mess. I had a jheri curl/fro/mullet going on, huge red eyeglasses a la Sally Jesse Raphael and thanks to the trendy one hit wonder Oaktown 357 I was able to wear ESPRIT patent leather tie-ups with satin ribbon laces. "YEAH,YEAH, YEAH! YEAH, YEAH, aww YEAH!" I wore those shoes until there were holes in the soles. They were the first pair of shoes I ever owned that I didn't have to wear with some sort of special insert for my extremely flat and awkward feet. Even in middle school gym class when every one else wore cute white Keds I had an off brand Reebok style high top with velcro around the ankle. Not because it was stylish, but because every other shoe slipped off my narrow heel. My other pairs of shoes were indeed slip on leather orthopedic cafeteria worker type shoes to help my weak arch. Fortunately my personality and big red glasses kept people's focus away from my shoes and I even got compliments on my custom made red and white polka dot pallazo pants.
I finally came into a better sense of style somewhere around winter and by the spring I had been set free from the jheri curl and realized shoes with a heel seemed to fit a little better. My mom bought me my first pair of pink pumps for Easter and there was no turning back.(Now y'all understand my love for a good heel is really a theraputic breakthrough!) I haven't bought a pair of orthopedic shoes since. Well at least not a pair that is recognizable as orthopedic. Easy Spirit as come a long way and I thank God!
Anywhoooo ...I was glad I was confident enough to know I was a nice person and my appearance didn't make or break me in high school. Most girls go through that awkward stage, whether it's braces, head gear, special shoes, bad perms, flat chest or acne, but true beauty shines from the inside out and will blossom into something very special if you stay true to yourself. My friends and classmates liked me for who I am, not what I wore. I still got my lesson (as grandma would say), was in honors classes and I will best be remembered from my high school classmates as a bubbly girl who kept everyone laughing (and I still hold my title of "Best Sense of Humor c/o 1994 dear to my heart). And what really matters is that you still don't look a mess at your 10yr reunion cause then there may be cause for an intervention and an extreme makeover.

TLC??? Honey Boo-Boo makes me wanna boo-hoo

I remember when I was in college back in the late 1990's my friends and I would rush home from class to watch A Baby Story and A Wedding Story every weekday afternoon. In the mornings the same station showed wonderful shows on fitness and nutrition; in the evenings they aired fascinating programs about nature, the human body and other scientific phenomena. The Learning Channel (TLC for short) made us feel a little better about watching TV when we probably should've been somewhere studying.
But if someone had told me 15yrs later this same channel (which still has the call letters TLC) would be home to such shows as Toddlers and Tiaras (inside the world of hotel ballroom kid pageants and pageant parents), My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding (the gypsy subculture has the most outrageous weddings and events. BLING!), Extreme Couponing (these people clear out grocery stores for like 10 dollars after multiplying then subtracting tons of coupons. And I will admit its kind of amazing) but tonight topped them all with the premiere of Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo!
Now I consider myself somewhat of an expert on pop-culture so when it comes to these reality shows I'm not ashamed to say I watch a lot of them if for no other reason but because it may come up on a big screen electronic trivia game at a bar one night and might help me get my wing basket on the house, but I digress... That being said, I was familiar with little miss Alana and Mama June from both Toddlers and Tiaras as well as Extreme Couponing, but nothing could've prepared me for the display I saw tonight. I've heard this 6yr old pageant contestant drawl her catch phrase "A dolla makes me holla Honey Boo-Boo!" and "You betta redneckognize!" (instead of recognize) on the previous shows and the commercials so I wasn't expecting Emmy award quality TV by any means. Based on the commercials with her sisters arguing "We are not rednecks" with her parents, I was hoping the show wouldn't fuel the ignorant southerner stereotype, but unfortunately that's not the case.
I literally sat with my mouth dropped open as I watched back-to-back episodes of this family from Georgia somewhere near Macon as they participated in the "Redneck Games" (which involved such events as bobbing for raw pig feet and belly flopping in the mud), the mom making a (possible) joking reference to scratching the "bugs" in her hair, farting contest as part of losing weight, a pet pig as a consolation prize to losing a beauty pageant for Honey Boo-Boo, and the entire family (including the 6yr old) accompanying the eldest daughter (age 17) to her OB/GYN ultrasound for her soon to arrive child. They even let Honey Boo-Boo put the ultrasound jelly on her sister's belly and... wait for it... HBB even put some jelly on her stomach and asked the med-tech could she see the chicken nuggets she'd eaten earlier that day. The med-tech happily obliged.
I had said earlier today Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo would culturally balance out the shame of shows like Love & Hip-Hop ATL and The Real Housewives of Atlanta, but after watching tonight there is a greater level of deep seeded concern for Little Miss Alana and the rest of the "Boo-Boo" family. LHHATL and RHOA are "reality" shows that are often scripted, twisted and edited to highten the drama and shenanigans. Sadly this is not the case on Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo. The southern accent and dialect is so thick they had subtitles for most of the cast commentary. You can't script or set up a redneck festival complete with a mudhole and Confederate flag decorations in the middle of nowhere. Allow me to paraphrase the gospel great Shirley Caesar "Naw...Honey Boo-Boo ain't playin' this time". NOPE these shenanigans are real and raw bringing shame to whatever school district is closest to the city of production. How in the world does a channel that used to stand for "The Learning Channel" feel like airing this is ok? Unless this is a terrible trick and a zenith comes at the end of  the season highlighting Honey Boo-Boo, her sisters, along with her parents being tutored and participating in honors ceremonies I guess I'll continue to watch with entertaining disbelief.
TLC the only thing I've learned from watching this show is a new meaning for "biscuit", but I'll be tuned in next week for sure!

To ATL and Back: A wrinkle in time

It's been about a month and a half since I posted anything because honestly I didn't really have anything lengthy to write about that would go with the theme of this blog. I mean my situation hasn't changed much and I've been in somewhat of a funk for the past few weeks or so.
I debated on whether or not to even blog concerning the thoughts that are in my head, but after reading a fellow blogger/cousin's transparent post I felt maybe this would help someone too. (Thanks LaWanda)
Over the last couple of days I've been reminiscing about when I first moved to Atlanta and how I ended up on such a journey. I moved to "Hotlanta" on August 3, 2002. Of course I didn't just get in my car one day and leave, but I do believe it was a spirit led desire and decision from the beginning. God told me where to apply for a job, a few months later I got that job, they told me to come the next week.(I didn't even have time to give myself a fabulous going away party). I got my hair done that Friday ( I wasn't going to start a new job looking a mess), filled my car with gas and that Saturday (with 18 dollars to my name) I left North Carolina with Georgia on my mind. I cried most of the way down I-85 because I was overcome with sadness and fear. But when I got to what I now know is Gwinnett County scanning for a radio station (not realizing how close I was) and the radio stopped on V-103. I'll never forget the first songs I heard as I approached Spaghetti Junction and could see downtown in the distance... Pastor Troy's "Are We Cuttin" and "Welcome to Atlanta (the remix)... and my eyes began to fill with tears, but this time of joy and relief because I had made it. I had no friends or family there; all I had was the faith that this is where God wanted me to be.

So here I sit 10 years later back in North Carolina reflecting over that time in my life and how much I've grown. I discovered so much about myself, about people and above all about who God is. I can't say I didn't make some mistakes but God has always been faithful. That's what I keep reminding myself. God has not changed! I'm not the same young naive lady I was at 25, and even though I'm a little older and wiser doesn't mean I don't still get scared and have my doubts. I may not ever move back to Atlanta and I don't know where God may lead me next but one thing's for certain but the same way God heard my prayers and ordered my steps then, He can and will do it again!

(Let me say this was very difficult to write, but very therapeutic. I'm pretty sure it didn't make you laugh much, but I hope it encouraged you to keep the faith! I'll be funny again in a few days.)