The following was originally written and posted on Facebook a couple of years ago, but I figured I share it on my blog and I think it's worthy of a repost. I should also note the couple I reference recently got married.There's hope!
Thursday, February 10, 2011 at 3:08am
Today at work a coworker of mine who has recently started dating a guy said he asked her what she wanted to do for Valentine's Day. They've only been dating for a month or so and they both are kinda nervous about doing too much or not doing enough as far as celebrating goes. She thought about suggesting something from Victoria's Secret... ummmmkay. Well I gave my two cents by telling her it may be a little too soon for lingerie but a nice fragrant body splash/lotion set perhaps would be a little more subtle. (Not hatin', just sayin') I did, however, give the disclaimer that I may not be the best person to ask about what you want for Valentine's Day cause my track record with relationships and gifts is pretty bad, but based on past experiences I can certainly tell you what you DON'T want on that day (or the days surrounding that day) and I laughed myself to tears, thus the inspiration for this blog.
As a kid Valentine's Day was right up there with Christmas on my list of favorite holidays (ok, actually I love most holidays for one reason or another. Even Earth Day get's me a little misty eyed because of MJ's "Earth Song", but I digress...) I mean for a little girl who loves stuffed animals and all things pink and red and girly the decorations alone caused my eyes to twinkle. (I still stock up on half price pink items on the 15th) Dad always brought mom a box of long stem roses. Mom always made sure we each had our own bag of tasty red hot cinnamon hearts (because my brother would eat a whole bag by himself), and me and my sister got kissing bears of some sort. I always wore red and looked forward to giving cards and candy to my friends. Even though my first heartbreak ever happened on Valentine's day when my elementary school crush made it very clear in front of everyone "I LIKE YOU BUT I DON'T LIKE YOU LIKE THAT...WE DON'T GO TOGETHER!!!" while ripping the construction paper heart off my desk and leaving my real heart broken to pieces, that didn't stop this hopeless romantic from enjoying February 14th. But little did I know he would set a trend for foolishness in February (and any other month of the year for that matter). Honestly none of these things seemed funny at the time, and there were times where tissue wasn't absorbent enough so I just walked around with a hand towel for the tears. I'm just glad I'm at a point where I can look back and laugh at these moments with limited therapy, much prayer and I never caught a case :-)
So in no particular order these are my top 10 list of things you definitely DON'T want for Valentine's day:
- You don't want to see your boo at your job (or school) putting a gift on your desk (or your locker) from down the hall only to get closer and discover he left the gift on the desk (or in the locker) of the girl who's desk (or locker) is beside yours. Depth perception will fool you every time.
- You also don't want to see the aforementioned boo carrying a big mylar heart balloon down the same hallway later on the day thinking it's a peace offering only for the balloon to go to someone totally different as well :-/
- You don't want another man to see a picture of the guy you're dating on a mantle at a mutual friend's house and someone ask "Oh you know him? He goes to my school" and the man says "Yeah, that's my ex" *blank stare* Note: This could possibly lead to projectile vomiting as an immediate reaction.
- You don't want to get in an argument on the 13th because you made plans to go out of town with your single friends on V-day weekend. In a sad effort to make you feel guilty and win the argument he says "So you're leaving town... You don't know what I had planned and your gift is in the trunk of my car" So you feel bad and rush out to get a card or something only to discover there was no gift in the trunk at all, there never was. It was just a lie to win the argument. Really though??? I could've been packing my suitcase fooling with you!
- You don't want to spend Valentine's Day (morning or night) with someone only for their FB status to change the next morning to "In a Relationship With ___________" or "Married to_________" or "Engaged to_________" but it's not with you. Ummmkay... late in the midnight hour Cupid turned things around for you didn't he sir??? 5 a.You also don't want for your Valentine to be tagged in any pictures on the 15th or the month to follow that would confirm said status i.e. engagement pictures, wedding pictures, or pictures of them exchanging gifts.
- You don't want a card that was purchased while in the Walmart together, signed with the cashier's pen when he signed the receipt, and given to you on the way out the door. A nice cute text would've had a little more of the element of surprise.
- You don't want to find out he wanted to come over your place and hangout for Valentine's Day (and every other day) because he was trying to get with your roommate or friend all along. Nothing funny to insert here... that's just messy! Touche!
- You don't want to go to Waffle House, and your date get the runs. You get home, he breaks the toilet (the actual bowl broke and shattered), cut's his butt very badly on the shattered porcelain and is bleeding profusely so now the floor is covered in blood, boo-boo, and bits of glass. You end up having to do first aid on the very deep butt cut with gauze and tape. And sadly that wasn't the shame that cause us to go our separate ways. He was more embarrassed to tell me he still lived with his mama.
- You don't want to be sitting on the couch enjoying a lovely Valentine's evening boo'd up watching TV or a movie and Boris Kodjoe or L.L. Cool J or Idris Elba (or any other fine man) comes on the screen. As a woman you respond "MMMMMM MMMMMM" and the man you're with has a Freudian slip and says "Oh yeah... he fine now" in agreement and an awkward silence fills the room. Neither of you ever mention it again.
- You don't want him to say you're going out for dinner at a restaurant (where his friend is the manager indicating it's a hook up) only to pull up to Chuck E. Cheese. Yeah... where a kid can be a kid!!! So let me get this straight... We're at Chuck E Cheese... on Valentine's Day... on a hook up... and I didn't even get any free skee ball tokens??? WHAT'S UP WITH THAT??? (that's what sucked the most)
I don't want anyone to read this and feel sorry by any means (because some of them are rather sad), and I've had some awesome Valentine's Day's by myself and with friends (yeah, it's ok to hangout as friends on that day). I just want people to be careful what they ask for and think twice before you complain, cause it could be worse. Not all of these things actually happened on Valentine's day (although most did), but they did happen. And because I'm friends with quite a few of my exes on Facebook, if you don't leave a comment no one will know I'm talking about you before God brought you out :-)
My life... Your Laugh!!!